this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
