jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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