He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
