Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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