well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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