last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
