I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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