Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
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do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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