We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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