Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
