Cold hands, warm shart.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
