I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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