i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
