well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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