I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
