Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
