i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
