Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
