if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
