epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
