Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
