Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
