I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
