I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
