i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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