So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
