but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
