Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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