Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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