god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
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He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
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A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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