Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize