Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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