dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
