i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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