I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
ttyl tear gas
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
