That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just invented taco cereal.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
