I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
