shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
