So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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