Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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