she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Can Purell be used as lube?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
