whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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