my phone needs a breathalizer
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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