Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
