you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
