You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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