the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
