yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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