Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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