I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
