she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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