just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
