moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
