Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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