i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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