my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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