Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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