i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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